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I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately about therapy and therapists, and I’m here to tell you that the mental health community is a gold mine of comedy and hijinx and good old-fashioned perversion.

Today I was reading the bi-monthly magazine published by my state’s association of marriage, family, child, pet, imaginary friend, talking poo, and that scary man who live in your fridge therapists – a publication that I’m saddened to report contains neither a nude centerfold nor a crossword puzzle. What it does joyously contain, however, is a regular section on therapists who have had their license revoked because they’ve been naughty.

One woman stole $450 worth of jewelry and then tried to sell it to her patients after their sessions with her were over (sort of a therapy boutique if you will). Another woman tried to see a patient after chugging a gallon of wine (cuz, you know, it must be hard to sit there and listen to the drone of runaways and cutters and schitzos all morning without a good, healthy Bartles & James buzz).

But this morning? This morning I read the tale of Dr. Feelgood, The Worst Therapist Who Ever Lived. His story starts like this:

“During a therapy session in October, when patient was wearing open sandals, [Dr. Feelgood] remarked that he liked her toes. He then grabbed her foot, put her toes in his mouth and began sucking on them.”

OK. Toe sucking. So Dr. Feelgood fancies the paws of his patients – big whup. Clearly within the boundaries of clinical appropriateness, no?

“In or about early November 2002, patient went to [Dr. Feelgood’s] office for a therapy session. [Dr. Feelgood] proceeded to do ‘energy work’, which consisted of him rubbing his hands over patient’s stomach, down to her genital area. He told the patient this ‘energy work’ process would release energy in tense parts of her body.”

Ah, yes. “Energy work.” Of course. And by “releasing energy,” I believe he meant releasing moisture.

“Patient thereafter called [Dr. Feelgood] to tell him she did not want to continue in therapy with him, and agreed to let him come to her house to discuss it. [Ed. Note: IDIOT!] [Dr. Feelgood] arrived at patient’s home and suggested they ‘get naked.’ From that point on, [Dr. Feelgood] came to patient’s house twice weekly, and engaged in sexual activity with her.”

Dr. F! You saucy little minx! And so creative with the banter. Why didn’t I think of that “get naked” line? Someone get me a pen. I need to write that down.

“On or about December 23, 2002, [Dr. Feelgood] was at patient’s home. He told her he needed to pick up a prescription and they drove to the pharmacy. [Dr. Feelgood] picked up three prescriptions. He then gave the patient a bottle of Prozac and told her he had Ativan available for her as well. [Ed. Note: Party at patient’s house!] [Dr. Feelgood] told patient that he had obtained these prescriptions from his own physician by telling his doctor he was depressed, anxious and couldn’t sleep. The third bottle had blue pills in it, and [Dr. Feelgood] kept that prescription for himself. He told patient the prescription was for Viagra.”

I honestly don’t see the big deal here. Isn’t giving your patients powerful psychotropic meds prescribed to you by your own doctor the same thing as having your big sister buy beer for you when you’re in high school? And who among us wouldn’t need a little Vitamin V if we were making two energy work house calls every week?

“During the course of this investigation, a request was made for [Dr. Feelgood’s] treatment records for patient. [Dr. Feelgood] thereafter provided a certification stating that he had no records for patient.”

Wait. So old doc eff got one of his patients into the sack and he didn’t even blog about it? What a total dumbshit!

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